One Wish: Strange Sortings
by Desiqtie
Summary: AU. Part of the One Wishverse, set at the beginning of Maria Potter's first year. The Sorting Hat is upset and retaliates by sorting most everyone where they DON'T belong. Warning! This contains girl!Harry, a full first-year class, & alive Marauders.
1. Strange Sortings

Summary: This is basically Maria's sorting and the sorting of her fellow first year students. I put this in as a one-shot to help explain why none of the characters in OW seem to be in the right house. Hopefully, it will also help explain why Maria has such an on-off, frosty relationship with her Mum. Oh, and the class list is from the HP Lexicon...

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize. Pretty much everything belongs to JKR. Also, there is mention of a certain situation involving Remus Lupin. I've seen the idea before, but seeing the idea in Jbern's story is what convinced me to use it in mine. I've asked for and received his permission to use it in my own story, so please don't send me messages, accusing me of plagiarism.**

AN: This story needs, very badly, to be brit-picked. It's chock-full of Americanisms at the moment, for which I apologize. Unfortunately, I don't have a beta or brit-picker to help me out with any of my writing. If I ever get one (or two) I will definitely have them look this over and replace this version with an edited, brit-picked version. And finally, I suck at poetry which is why the sorting hat's song also, sucks.

* * *

**One Wish: Strange Sortings**

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts**

_August 30, 1991_

"Albus, I truly believe this whole House nonsense is beginning to get out of hand. Perhaps we should try not sorting students this year! It may help with that entire Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry problem. And you wouldn't even need me around, so I coul-"

"Hat, I am not going to let you leave school grounds. Stop trying to convince me to let you go. It is not going to happen until the consecutive three year period is over."

"Well, fine then." Grumbling, the irritated Sorting Hat waited until the Headmaster had left the office to go to the annual Hogwart's Staff meeting. "Let's see how the twinkly, old man likes this year's sorting!"

In protest, the Sorting Hat decided to sort the student's wherever he felt they could cause the most chaos rather than where they fit best based upon their character traits.

Meanwhile, Minerva McGonagall discussed the Sorting Hat's peculiar behavior with her boss.

"Albus, it just…worries me. The Hat has somehow managed to avoid the binding for the past 16 years. There has to be something we can do. You know how cruel the Hat can be!"

"I know, my dear Minerva, I know. But there is very little that can be done. The public would never allow for a new sorting system. After all, they revere the founders. Unfortunately, they have all forgotten, or chosen to ignore, the fact that all four founders were cruel and unforgiving taskmasters. And the hat, unfortunately, possesses the combined personalities of all four."

Both Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress exchanged pensive glances as they fretted over the chaos the Hat was undoubtedly planning to unleash.

* * *

_September 1, 1991_

The apprehensive first years filed into the Great Hall, gazing around in awe. Professor McGonagall set the scheming Sorting Hat down on top of an old four-legged stool and stepped away.

"I could have been on vacation,

But I can't go away.

By your headmaster's proclamation;

Apparently he's gay.

Well fine, I'll sort you,

And you'll go where I command,

If you don't like it,

Well that's just grand.

Gryffindor's are brave and bold,

But really I don't care.

Their virtues are extolled,

But really! I don't care!

Ravenclaw's, yeah they're smart.

Not this year. Maybe next.

Hufflepuff's, they have a heart!

Not this year. Maybe next.

Slytherins! Oh I do love them!

Anarchy and Chaos! Chaos and Anarchy!

It's clear how this will end,

I'm sure we all agree!

So, hurry it up.

Sit down under me.

What's the holdup?

Why so cranky?"

There was absolute dead silence in the Hall as everyone simply gaped at the ratty old Hat.

"Um. Albus?" Professor McGonagall turned to her boss, hoping for some guidance. He looked at the Hat, looked at her, looked back at the hat, and then shrugged. McGonagall frowned and muttered, "Great, thanks for the help." She pulled out the list of first years and began to call out names.

"Abbott, Hannah." Hannah gave the Deputy Headmistress an uncertain look, prompting an exasperated sigh from McGonagall. Then, McGonagall irritatdly commanded, "Sit on the stool, put the hat on your head, it will sort you into a house." Hannah gave a dubious glance toward the strange, ratty Hat, but went ahead and followed the Professor's directions. The rest of the students in the Hall watched as Hannah sat under the stool. At first, she seemed to be slightly surprised, but her expression changed to scandalized outrage within seconds. Finally, the hat yelled out, "Slytherin" and Hannah yanked the hat off her head and turned to McGonagall. McGonagall silently pointed to the Slytherin table, where the students had slowly begun to clap. Hannah practically ran to the table and jammed herself into the first seat available. This series of events repeated over and over as the spiteful, irritated Hat sorted the remaining first year students.

"Bones, Susan."

"Gryffindor!"

"Boot, Terry."

"Gryffindor!"

"Brocklehurst, Mandy."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Brown, Lavender."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Bulstrode, Millicent."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Zabini?"

"Is the Hat stuck?" Rather than answering, McGonagall simply sighed and continued calling names. Michael Corner went to Slytherin and Stephen Cornfoot became the first Hufflepuff.

"Crabbe, Vincent."

"Ravenclaw!"

"What?"

"Ravenclaw!"

"What?"

"Raven-"

"Enough! Mr. Crabbe, please take your seat." The bewildered boy lumbered over to the Slytherin table, but after some coaxing by various Slytherin and Ravenclaw students, he was finally guided over to the Ravenclaw table. The sorting, once again, continued.

"Davis, Tracey."

"Gryffindor!"

"Entwhistle, Kevin."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin."

"Slytherin!"

"Finnegan, Seamus."

"Ravenclaw!"

Sending Seamus Finnegan to Ravenclaw, caused the Hat to, once again, get 'stuck' on a house, Hufflepuff in this instance. Anthony Goldstein, Gregory Goyle, Hermione Granger, and Daphne Greengrass were all carted off to Hufflepuff, the latter three protesting the entire way. Wayne Hopkins, however, managed to convince the Hat to put him in Ravenclaw, rather than Hufflepuff. Megan Jones and Su Li were both placed into Gryffindor and then McGonagall called out the name of the young Longbottom heir.

"Longbottom, Neville." The frightened, pale boy did not appear to be comforted by the Hat's cackling and cajoling,

"Yes, yes! Come here Mr. Longbottom!"

"Is the Sorting Hat flirting with Neville?" Maria Potter's whisper was surprisingly loud in the silent Great Hall and most everyone turned to stare between Neville and the Hat in speculative horror.

"Mr. Longbottom, we don't have all day." At McGonagall's sharp command, Neville swallowed hard but placed the hat on his head. After some hemming and hawing, the Hat opened its mouth and drawled,

"Longbottom. Three words: grow a pair. I'm putting you in Gryffindor. Li and Jones can help you become a man." After the Hat's lewd words, it took some time for the staff to get the students settled down, but once they did, the sorting continued.

"McDougal, Morag."

"Hufflepuff!"

"MacMillan, Ernie."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Malfoy, Draco." Draco sauntered up to the hat and leisurely placed it upon his head, he knew that he would be placed into Slytherin.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"That's right, I'm a Sl-wait. What?"

"Gryffindor."

"Oh. I see." Malfoy nodded in understanding, then proceeded to swoon and crumple to the ground. No one attempted to catch him.

"Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall sighed and then motioned to Madame Pomfrey to take the boy to the infirmary.

"Moon, Lilavati."

"Slytherin!"

"Nott, Theodore."

"Gryffindor!" Theodore seemed to want to cry before he finally managed to get a hold of his fragile emotions and made his way to the Gryffindor table.

"Parkinson, Pansy."

"Hufflepuff!" Pansy contemplated protesting, but one glance at the Hat cured her of the thought. Both Patil Twins were sent to Slytherin and Sally-Ann Perks was made a Ravenclaw. Finally, it was Maria's turn to be sorted.

"Potter, Maria." Maria slowly made her way to the stool. She sat down and allowed McGonagall to place the ratty, black hat on top of her head. Although she was startled when the Hat's voice sounded in her head, she quickly clamped down on her emotions and forcibly schooled her expression to be utterly blank.

"_Well, out of all of the firsties I've sorted today…you, little girl, are the most fascinating. Tell me, can you figure out what reason I'm using to pick houses today?"_

"_Yes. At first, I thought Fred and George hexed you…since you kept staying on one house. Then, I thought maybe you were just feeling lazy and just calling out house names randomly. But when you put Malfoy in Gryffindor I realized you're just trying to cause drama. Malfoy's father is going to throw a huge tantrum. Well, a lot of parents are going to, but Lucius Malfoy's tantrums are really wild – my Daddy's told me about them."_

"_Mmm. Yes, I see that he has. He tells you absolutely everything, doesn't he?" _

"_He trusts me." Maria warily replied. The Hat laughed in response, an obvious cruel tinge to its laughter. "What's so funny?"_

"_You are quite like him. He was a challenge to sort as well - such a fascinating combination of all four houses. Then and now, your father__**was**__ and __**is**__ sly and secretive – and not only when it comes to his beloved pranks. Brave as well, Godric would have loved him. Intelligent, of course, as I'm sure you know." Maria didn't respond as the Hat continued, "I considered Hufflepuff first, though. Such loyalty!"_

"_Why didn't you put him in Hufflepuff?"_

"_For the same reason I won't put you into Hufflepuff. Both of you, are only loyal to a small, select few, only hard-working when you wish, and only if it benefits you. I seel you don't believe me. Alright, little girl, if someone captured both your parents and told you to pick one to save…who would you choose?"_

"_That's-I can't. It's an impossible question…"_

_Maliciously, the hat goaded the somewhat-innocent child, "I promise I won't tell anyone your answer; it'll be our little secret."_

"_I-my father. I would save Daddy."_

"_A proper Hufflepuff would say 'I would save them both and sacrifice myself'. Then there is the matter of honor. Honor is important to Gryffindor's as well as bravery. I've already discussed his bravery, but your __father's honor was what allowed him into Gryffindor."_

"_I don't understand."_

"_Surely you've noticed your father's distant behavior towards one Remus Lupin? Your mother is a Muggleborn and your parents married out of love, but your parents' marriage is no different from the typical arranged, pureblood marriage – separate bedrooms and separate lives. Ever wonder why?"_

"_Yes, but I don't understand what this has to do with…" _

_The hat abruptly interrupted, "Answer my questions and I'll answer yours."_

"_I asked Mum about it once, but she told me to never mention it again."_

"_She would. Your darling mother was put into Gryffindor because she didn't fit into any other house. Too much Muggle in her blood for Slytherin, too little loyalty for Hufflepuff, and not nearly enough of a hard-on for learning, so no Ravenclaw. That and she's not nearly intelligent enough."  
Furiously, Maria retorted, "My Mum is plenty intelligent."_

"_Mm. Intelligent enough to know that bagging pureblood James Potter would be more useful for someone of her heritage than bagging, say, halfblood Severus Snape." Maria's horrified gasp didn't deter the Hat, rather it seemed to encourage him. "Oh are you surprised? I suppose despite his normal candor, even your father wants to spare you from some of the painful truth." Seeing that Maria was silent in shock, the Hat continued delightedly, "Your dear Mum is an ambitious, self-serving, manipulative bitch. You share those traits with her – but your father's influence has made you much more charming than she could ever hope to be. Now, that I have you terribly shocked and confused, how about I answer some of your questions. Hrm, let's see. First, your mother. Lily Potter nee Evans loves herself above all, she tolerated Severus Snape prior to Hogwarts because it allowed her to learn about the magical world. Then, after joining the magical world she continued the friendship because of his high grades and wizarding contacts; whenever she needed something she turned to him – his Slytherin contacts allowed him to provide her with whatever she wished. Unfortunately for Snape, Evans did some research in preparation for choosing her career in her fifth year. Her research helped her to realize that as a Muggleborn her best bet at getting the career of her dreams required marriage into a well-established, wealthy pureblood family."_

"_But my grandparents…I'm fullblood so I mean Mum's not really Muggleborn."_

"_Don't act naïve. You are aware that she is considered Muggleborn by all who matter. Your father's blood is extremely strong in you – it's obvious from first glance. Combine that with the way he raised you, and you are for all intents and purposes considered a pureblood by most, if not all, of those who matter. Your official fullblood status is ignored." When Maria didn't protest, the Hat, once again, continued, "Anyways, once your mother realized she needed a pureblood husband she spent the next year and a half 'trying out' possible candidates. She picked your father halfway through their sixth year. I won't go into all the sordid details at the moment…your sorting will be extremely long as it is, no need to prolong it even further with unimportant details. If you are truly curious, visit me in Dumbledore's office and I'll explain every tiny detail."_

"_No thanks."_

"_Mm, your loss. Well, moving onto the second issue: Remus Lupin, werewolf, Marauder, and all-around terrible friend." The Hat paused, waiting to see if Maria would defend the man. But Maria had seen the strained relationship between her father and Lupin and she quietly waited for the Hat's explanation. "Well, little girl, you're learning. So, Remus Lupin. Your father is a loyal friend. He did a lot for Lupin; more than even Lupin's own family. And how did Lupin repay him? Well, four years after you were born…James came home early – to surprise his wife and beloved daughter - and what does he find but his best friend Remus in bed with his wife, again."_

_Maria gasped in dismay, she knew, as the hat did, that her parent's relationship was a mess. They hadn't even slept in the same room since she was four – Maria finally knew why. Then, in confusion, she asked, "Again?" _

_Numb, she listened without dispute as the Hat gleefully continued, "Lupin and your Mother have been lovers since two months after you were born, but now let's move on to the third issue: James Potter. Your very honorable and very loyal father. Someone with less honor would have thrown Evans out into the street. Someone with less loyalty would have had Lupin arrested and thrown into Azkaban – after all, Lupin's a werewolf and he slept with a pureblood heir's wife, it wouldn't even be a challenge."_

"_Daddy's got a terrible temper. His loyalty to Remus and my-my Mum wouldn't be enough…"_

"_It wasn't his loyalty to them that stopped him. It was his loyalty to you. If he'd thrown your mother into the street – she would have ended up as little more than a whore in the eyes of the public and you would have lost all social standing. Besides, your mother isn't a completely terrible person – she just simply loves herself best, and everyone else second best. It's a trait you share with her. The only difference is that in your case you love yourself, your father, and Sirius Black best, and most everyone else third best. As for Remus Lupin, well, the werewolf is, distantly, a Potter. Your father's third cousin, once removed, in fact."_

"_Things like this are supposed to be kept within the family." Maria replied in understanding._

"_Exactly. His honorable nature is quite impressive as well – any other man would flaunt his mistresses. James makes it a point to be discreet in his…affairs. Of course, it helps that he can confide in you."_

"_I don't know what you mean."_

"_I can read your mind, little girl. Your father doesn't even trust Evans with the vault keys. He confides his problems in you or Black. He cannot confide in anyone else – you are, after all, the only female he trusts. _

"_Grandmother-"_

"_Your grandmother would slit Evans' throat if she knew the truth. She is a Black by birth – once she finished with Evans, she would skin Lupin alive and use his pelt as a doormat. No, James trusts you with almost all his secrets. Actually, you should be thanking me on bended knees. Now that you know all the sordid details – he will trust you with all his secrets."_

_Stunned and overwhelmed, Maria asked, "How do you know all of this?"_

"_Your father and I have had a deal since he was 15 – he chats with me and smuggles me out of the castle once every three years. In exchange, I provide him with a great deal of information about many of the wizarding world's most powerful people... After all, I get to read the minds of everyone's heirs – legitimate and illegitimate."_

"_Why?"_

"_If I stay in the castle for three years in a row – without leaving the grounds at all – I will be bound to the Headmaster's will. As long as I leave once, I am able to sort the students wherever I wish, for whatever reason I wish. As for your father, he is clever and ambitious for sure, but without my information he would never be as successful as he is." The hat smirked, "Mmmm, now that I have dragged your sorting on for half an hour and gone completely off-track, would you like to be assigned a house?"_

"_I-what? Oh. Sorted, yes, please."_

"_Well, little girl, it isn't difficult at all to decide where to put you. Lucky for you, the place you will cause the most chaos is also the place you fit in best. Little girl, you were born for Slytherin – someone with this much ambition could belong to only one house."_

_Slyly, Maria asked, "You think I'm ambitious?"_

_The Hat scoffed and retorted, "You've already begun finalizing your plans for revenge on your mother and Lupin…of course you're ambitious."_

Maria removed the hat and demurely made her way to the Slytherin table. The sorting continued once she was seated, with Rivers and Smith becoming Slytherins, Roper the last Ravenclaw, and Runcorn and Turpin both becoming Gryffindors. Spinks and Dean Thomas went to Hufflepuff and then it was Ronald Weasley's turn.

"Weasley, Ronald." Ron slowly walked up to the stool, one look at the leering Sorting Hat and all his Weasley courage left him. Pale and shaking, the final Weasley son sat down on the stool and placed the Hat on his head. There was a pause, then-

"Slytherin!" Still pale and shaking, Ron quietly took the hat off his head and handed it to McGonagall. He took one step toward the Slytherin table before collapsing in a dead faint. Sighing, Madame Pomfrey stepped forward and carted him off to the Hospital Wing.

The final student, Blaise Zabini was, to his eternal horror, sorted into Hufflepuff. Finally, the most traumatic sorting ever was finished.

Silence reigned in the Great Hall until simultaneously everyone begin to protest. Dumbledore attempted to speak over the shouting students and staff, but finally had to resort to a silencing charm.

"If all of the students would please wait, the staff and I will discuss the situation with the Sorting Hat and see if we can come to an adequate compromise. In the meantime, please take this time to get to know your fellow students." Dumbledore motioned to the House Heads and the group made their way into a side room attached to the Great Hall.

Safely away from the students' sight, Dumbledore turned to the Sorting Hat, "Hat! Y-You…WHAT DID YOU DO?" Horrified Albus Dumbledore stared at the Sorting Hat. When the Hat only smirked in response, he sighed and asked, "If I let you go on vacation…will you re-sort the first years, properly this time?"

"Re-sort? Never! Who needs a vacation! I plan to be here to watch all the lovely chaos that happens in the next seven years! This is my best work ever!" The Hogwart's Staff watched in stupefied shock as the Sorting Hat proceeded to break out into evil, cackling laughter.

"Headmaster?"

"What is it Filius?"

"I wish to tender my resignation…effective immediately."

"Me too!"

"And me!"

The Hufflepuff Head of House was first to jump on the early retirement bandwagon, but the Slytherin Head of House, wisely, was right behind her.

"Can I just quit?" Even the Gryffindor Head of House didn't have enough courage to face the next seven years.

"NO! If I have to suffer through the next seven years, then so do the rest of you!" Grumbling and whining the heads of houses returned to the Great Hall. The confused and horrified students quieted when Dumbledore walked in. "Well, we've had an exciting day today, so once you have all finished your dinners, the prefects will escort you all to your dorms." He then turned around and started to walk out of the Great Hall, intending to hide in his office for the foreseeable future.

"Wait! Professor Dumbledore! What about the first-years? A Weasley in Slytherin? A Malfoy in Gryffindor? A Crabbe in Ravenclaw? Was the Sorting Hat drunk? Aren't they going to be re-sorted…or something?" No one had ever seen Fred Weasley quite so serious or horrified before.

"Yes, well, the Sorting Hat has refused to, uh, re-sort any of the first years." Dumbledore attempted to give Fred a grandfatherly smile; he failed. "I am sure everyone has been placed into the house they are best suited for. In any case, you must all be very hungry after all the excitement of the sorting." Dumbledore clapped his hands, and as soon as the food appeared on the House tables, he ran to hide in his office.

_September 1st – 5th, 1991_

Reactions in the days after the strangest sorting in many years were varied, but generally varied somewhere between amusing and explosive:

**Draco Malfoy - Gryffindor**

"My Father...fuck."

**Neville Longbottom - Gryffindor**

"Dad is so disappointed. He wanted me to be a Hufflepuff like him. He's going to send Prof. Dumbledore a strongly worded letter."

**Ronald Weasley - Slytherin**

"I told my parents that the Sorting Hat was drunk. They didn't believe me. Then I told them that Malfoy was a Gryffindor. Mum's howler scolding Dumbledore for letting the Hat drink and sort should be here by dinner."

**Maria Potter - Slytherin**

"I already warned Peter to get Daddy and Sirius really, really drunk before he tells them. And to take away their wands. And to hide the Floo powder. And the sharp objects."

* * *

AN: This whole one-shot actually started because my friend tried to do laundry while drunk and ended up turning all of her clothing brownish green. (Friends don't let friends drink and do laundry!)

Did you hate it? Did you like it? Please review and let me know what you thought!


	2. Author's Note on Revision

**69 reviews, 51 C2s, 108 favorites, 92 alerts and about 36K words! **Thank you so much to everyone who's read and enjoyed One Wish and all the associated side stories! Before I started One Wish, I was trying to find some girl!Harry/Sirius stories...but there weren't any! So, I decided to write my own and that's how the One Wish universe started...

Loads of ideas clogged my head for a long time, but I didn't get the courage to post until Sept 2007. I started out hoping I'd be able to finish the whole thing up within a few months and then I wouldn't have all the little plot bunnies bouncing around in my head. Of course, real life happened, as it usually does. Real life isn't any less hectic, in fact it's probably more hectic but it's now almost Sept 2009, and the bunnies haven't stopped bouncing around. Recently, I started trying to work through the bits and pieces I have semi finished and I realized because the stories been in the process of being written for so long, it's gotten quite disjointed.

So, in order to make it a bit less confusing...and a bit more coherent...and a bit easier for me to finish...:-D!...I've decided to revise the whole series. I'm going to be posting the newly edited older bits, with the new parts inserted in between, all in chronological order in a chaptered story format. (Instead of the piecemeal way it's posted currently.)

As of right now, I think I'm going to split the series into two parts: the first will be the _One Wish Prequel_, and will cover the OWverse prior to January 18, 1997 and the second will be _One Wish_, covering everything from January 18, 1997 onwards.

So, to everyone who's been asking if One Wish is abandoned, the answer is definitely not! And I really hope all of you love the new version even more then the old one! :-D

-Desiqtie


End file.
